"Another Badge of Courage"

"They say that what does not kill you Only makes you stronger Well maybe some of us are just too sick And tired of being so damn strong"

Deciding which step do I want to take next. A. B. or C.
A - Something my mother and father recommend and really want. But it won't pay much....not enough to live alone.
B - Putting my tail between my legs and begging to be let back into an institution that I have basically f'd myself over with more than once.
C - Investing allot of money and time into a new institution that has always been something that has moved me.

Then there is X. X happen to be the agencies that I am on the waiting list for. One of them just basically screwed me unless I fight it. A job in which I am not entirely excited about getting but know that I need and have had to fight tooth and nail for since the initial test. If X comes along, A is still okay. B will get dumped by me once again, and C will screw me.

This is why I feel my life is in circles. I should have never made the irrational decision to screw b in the first place.

On top of it. I thought I could reach out to my past today and I got shut out. I can't particularly blame him. But it totally sucked. I think I got blocked. To know that I made someone feel so bad is deplorable. I know what I did was for the best. But it becomes another circle in my life. One that I know I have to continue looping.




We walk in circles. We love in circles. We talk in circles. We live in circles.
i can't live like this. i can't live like this. i can't keep living
this. i can't keep living this again. we're always moving on, always
moving back. back to the same place. so familiar, but it isn't home...
just where we come to forget. how many times can you write the same
song in a different way? how many times can you live the same life
on a different day? nobody lives in circles, they just forget. they
just survive. we live in circles, the same people with different
faces. we sing the same songs in different keys. we love in circles,
a little less with every turn. i've never loved like that before,
and i don't think i will again. and it's coming back again, it's
ending where it started. and i'd give everything to do it all again.
you never love like that again (the first time), and the longer that
you live, the less you feel alive. and we don't die for anything
anymore. i'd kill to feel like that again, but i'm never going to
feel like that again. so move on, hold on, or fucking fake it. either
way, we're losing. either way i'm losing. remember when this was
everything? in a way, it still is. i want to feel that way again.
but you don't feel in circles, you just live. you just fall. i'll
find it again, in a different place. in a different time, with a
different face. i'll keep moving, because i've got to keep moving.
just take whatever's left. my heart is dry. this is my last breath.
this used to be everything. i gave everything.

October 11 2009

Apple picking today. First time in 20 years with just my mother, father, and sister. I seriously don't remember ever apple picking with my sister. Maybe they went when I was to cool.

If you ever poke around here. Your student film was cool. Just didn't think you would appreciate a message.

On a different note, I just went against my better judgement and sent a text.

Not so related note. I'm always so full of nerves. When will life start settling so I can have different problems. I don't want more. Just a trade off.

Beliefs Pile

to be the one to swallow my pride i'll try but make no promises and before i go off to collect myself please don't give up while there's time

to be the one to swallow my pride i'll try and make no promises i'll wash myself of that feeling while i'm still wet and before i go off to collect myself please don't give up

while there's time my goal is to gain the courage and smile for a while

if i'm the first to open my arms and try well i've done mine i have no regrets i wasn't forced into this so it's all right

to be the one to laugh at my pride i'll try and make no promises i'll wash myself of that feeling while i'm still wet i'm trying to make the best of my nonsensse before i go of to collect myself please don't give up





finally